Confessions of a Jerk | A Bad Break Up.

There are times when a person reflects on the past and upon that reflection a person may realize that there’s something they could have done better. In particular, I’m referring to a break up with an ex.  One that happened some time ago.  Upon further reflection, I think there was a better way to do it.  At the time, though, it made for a funny story.  Actually, it still makes me snicker and those that I tell the story to as well.  So… What was so bad?

Before You Put a Ring On It…

I seem to be at the age where all my friends are pairing off and purchasing diamonds and white dresses. The people I grew up with are becoming husbands and wives and starting their lives together. While of course I am happy that they have found “The One” I am still nagged by the question, How do you know when it’s the one? And if you do know it’s the “The One” why do you need to put a ring on it?

My relationship history coupled with horror stories has long made me wary of the whole marriage thing. If you are together and you are committed and you’re happy why do you need to change your last name and make your friends wear ugly matching dresses and throw an expensive party to tell everyone, “Look we are SO in love! So buy a crystal vase we will never use to commemorate the day we made that love legal.”

My aversion to marriage only grew with the passing of Prop 8 in CA but this is no time for that discussion. I think the root of this allergy I seem to have to marriage is the process of broaching all the major subjects: kids, place where you will live, buying a home, bank accounts, etc. Also the idea of forever seems a bit intimidating in this short life. I cannot imagine getting divorced. Marriage is something that I want to last and some people seem to enter into so lightly. I am a fiercely independent person who doesn’t necessarily want to change my last name. Because once that paperwork is filed I’m not going to stand in the DMV line again to change my last name back on my license!

Yes I believe in love. Yes I am a sucker for romance. Yes I believe compromise is the key to a long lasting relationship. My parents are the poster couple of a loving happy marriage. They are in the minority. They make me optimistic that I can find a love that will last and despite my cynicism regarding marriage it’s possible to form a life long connection with someone. But no I don’t think you need a piece of paper from city hall to make it work. Before entering any long-term commitment there are certain questions one needs answered. Vow swapping or not a couple needs to settle the issue of children, where they will live and religion. These are matters that compromise is not going to work with.

I admire couples who have opposing faiths and still marry. If they can make it work good for them, however the odds are not stacked in their favor. And let’s be reasonable it’s not as if you can have a part time child together. If you have the money then I guess the bicoastal home is an option.

Besides having to be in harmony with all the major life decisions you also have to know that this person that you love is “The One”. How can anyone be 100% sure of that? How can you forsake all others and dedicate yourself to one person not knowing if your feeling will change? Maybe I am a fickle person or maybe I haven’t met the elusive “One”. I know that once upon a time I thought I had met my “One” and that fell apart terribly and I have since been cautious as to letting other’s in. But I also know that the overwhelming love I felt for that person has occurred again in my life with two other people but they always had the option to leave. That option to leave is still there whether or not a ring is involved. Divorce is as common as anything these days. Plus I like having the option to leave without having to get lawyers involved.

Maybe there isn’t just one person there can be several “Ones” and we can happy however it plays out. It seems too often the pressure to get married and start a family is the motivation behind proposal among people my age. They are expected by society standards that this what you do at this age. What happens if you never make it official? If you stay with the same person for many years and never make it legal. Isn’t that just as good as being married? I think so. I say what’s the hurry? Why the need for a giant shiny rock? Take your time and truly get to know one another and after many years together that loving feeling is still strong then I guess make it official if not for anything besides the tax break.

How Do Men & Women Remember a Relationship?

I was out with a female friend of mine not too long ago.  We were talking about relationships and what not.  We took up the topic of the things that we remember about relationships and what meaning we derive from them.  I found this discussion intriguing because, well, I’d never really thought too much about it.  So how do men and women view relationships in retrospect, when all is said and done?

IM Confessionals: Breaking Up is Hard to Do.

So the other night I had a conversation with a friend of mine I’m yannibmbr, obviously, and she’s fallingstarsncards and the chat went a little like this:

Cat Betrays Girlfriend… D'oh!!

How to be Friends With an Ex: The First Hang Out.

When a couple breaks up on amicable terms the most common phrase uttered at the end of the awkward break up conversation is “I hope we can still be friends.” Excuse me while I choke on irony. Really friends? Friends don’t say things that break my heart, cause me to cry uncontrollably and make me want to punch them in the throat, but I digress. In my experience friendship with an ex is only possible if A) there are absolutely NO residual feelings for one another other than platonic feelings. B) enough time has passed that the hurt caused by the break up has become a distant memory. C) both parties are mature, actually want a platonic friendship with one another and have no plans to rekindle the flame. Once both exes have reached this point they can begin to start a friendship. And D) how could I forget, the most important part, there is no more sexual tension. This is by far the most difficult part to accomplish. It’s hard to go from seeing this person naked to asking how things are going with their new significant other. As long as you have A, B and C you can succeed at meeting up with your ex with minimal tension. If D is not possible avoid alcohol.

Can Men and Women be Friends? A Female Perspective.

I have discussed this topic with two men recently and they both seemed to have the same point of view on the topic. Women and men can be friends but one person is always going to be attracted to the other even if the attraction is long harbored or fleeting. I think that is absolutely absurd. And yes I have reason’s to back it up. My point of view, yes women and men can be just friends in the most platonic sense of the word.

Introducing Your New Spark to Your Friends.

Well, the title kinda says it all, doesn’t it?  I mean, isn’t that what a good title ought to do any way?  As long as we’re all agreed we can move on.  That said, it can be argued that there is a great deal of importance when it comes to letting your special someone into your little world.  That world may consist of an unusually large collection of stuffed animals or, perhaps, a collection of Magic the Gathering playing cards.  It could get pretty bad folks.
Another area of importance, that can be often overlooked, is the friends a person surrounds themself with.  Now, I would never suggest picking and choosing which friends to introduce or not introduce to your new future ex-spouse.  But I would say that there a few things to think about ahead of bringing that new person into your social circle.

Which Side Are You On?

There is a theory in relationships that there is always one person that is slightly more attached than the other (and sometimes it happens to be more than just slightly). In very long-term relationships, this can go back and forth between the two people, each one taking their turn being more attached. Sometimes it just happens on its own, and sometimes an event can trigger this change.

Dating a Single Mother. Should You Do It?

The idea of dating a woman with a child can be pretty scary, if not horrifying to many a male. But it shouldn’t be.  You see, mothers are real people, too.  In many cases they are also women.  Crazy, isn’t it? The stigma that attaches itself to single mothers is the word “baggage.”

But that’s not really the case, most times.  In these times, especially in America, single motherhood is more pervasive in our society than it ever has been. There was a time when single mothers were a rare sight.  If there was a single mom it was because of a divorce or she was widowed. Today there are over ten million single parents in America today.  It’s proof that the dynamics of the traditional family have changed and continue to evolve along with social norms… That said; why not date a single mother?