How do You Deal with Your Significant Other's Best Friend of the Opposite Sex?

This is a topic that, surprisingly, I don’t tend to discuss a lot with my friends.  I say “surprisingly” because most anyone that knows me knows that I feel that true friendships between men and women can’t exist without some sort of latent attraction, which has the potential to “blow the whole thing up!”  Needless to say, I’m likely in the minority on that opinion.  However, the thing that intrigues me is how a couple regards each others’ best friends, if they’re of the opposite sex.  Is there some dynamic to worry about?  Do you protest the friendship?  Do you limit how often your partner hangs out with their best friend?  What do you do?Sure, it’s not really that big of a deal, but I think the conversation deserves attention.  For me, I’m a pretty trusting guy and women that I’ve dated with male best friends and it really hasn’t bothered me and perhaps that’s because I haven’t had to deal with a best friend showing they wanted to be more than friends with my partner.

I know people who are married that share friends that are of the opposite sex and it has absolutely no bearing at all in how they all interact with one another.

I suppose that if one subscribes to the notion that “all good things should be had in moderation… including moderation” then there really isn’t so much of an issue, because there is a balance that has been struck.  Problems will arise when the issue of “too much” is reached.  Too much what???  Too much time spent between your significant other and their best friend, perhaps.  Maybe there’s too much flirtatious behavior or other “not-so-friendly” banter going on.

I had a girlfriend who had a very good male friend that she worked with.  I’d always here about this guy and would see him if I went to happy hour.  He was a great guy and funny and dare I say a most eligible bachelor.  Anyway, one night my girlfriend came by my place after work.  When things had become more intimate I noticed a bite mark on her left, just above her knee.  That wonderful not-so-little mark was left by her best friend.  In my mind, I’m thinking “What the hell!!?  Why is this guy biting her?”  To me, it seemed really inappropriate.  Her explanation was that they were “messing around and playing rough” after hours at work.  Again, it’s something that seemed odd to me, but I let it go.  It came down to a trust issue.  I did trust my girlfriend and that was the end of it.  If I’d seen another such mark then I would have had another talk with her about it…  In all, I just let her know I was concerned about it and that it was something that I was thinking about.

What ever the case may be there is a line.  How that line gets defined should be up to the couple, not just one person or the other.  That is, it’s an issue to have a healthy discussion about and reach a mutual understanding.  Though, this could bring up the discussion of the “guest star” in the bedroom, but that’s a whole other topic… For another author.  =)

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4 Responses to “How do You Deal with Your Significant Other's Best Friend of the Opposite Sex?”

  1. thePete Says:

    I’m with you. I used to date a girl who had a lot of guy friends who were just waiting in the wings for me to screw up (and I’ve since learned it wasn’t just paranoia, thank you very much). I never saw bite marks (yikes, sorry dude that would bug me too), but she’d ended up on a couple of ‘accidental dates’ with new male friends – once okay, twice… you start to wonder that no one is that nieve.

    I’ve learned to stay away from women who need that much attention from the opposite sex (usually, heh) if I want something serious, its too hard to make things feel stable and makes arguments that much harder when she turns to them.

    That said, I used to think that about men and women being friends… but I don’t think its as rare of a thing as I used to. It is a lot easier in situations where everyone is coupled up though.

  2. Dating Errors When You Are On Friends Date | Harley Articles Blog About Everything Says:

    […] How do You Deal with Your Significant Other's Best Friend of the … […]

  3. DatingRevolution Says:

    I couldn’t disagree more. I’m currently engaged, and for most of my life, almost all of my friends have been female. I have no inclination to cheat, and neither does my fiancee. I know her male friends and she knows my female friends.

    Issue one is when you keep your friends separate from your significant other. That’s when distrust can start to occur. I’ve either met, or had the opportunity to meet all of my fiancee’s male friends, and she’s had the option to meet my friends. That creates a much higher level of trust than keeping your friends apart.

    Issue two, in my mind, is whether someone’s inclined to cheat. If they’re inclined to cheat it’s probably going to happen, whether it’s with one of his/her friends or with someone at a bar. True, it might be more convenient and harder to catch someone hooking up with their friend, but it’ll still happen if they want to cheat.

    Issue three, how do you react when you’re concerned about a specific friend? Can you ask your partner not to see a specific friend or friends? I have no advice on this other than to say tread very lightly.

    Issue four, how do you react if you feel you’ve been cheated on. Personally, I have a one strike policy, and I hold myself to the same standard. As for what is and isn’t cheating? Well, someone once told me “If you can do it in church, it isn’t cheating.” Then again, I’ve heard some crazy stories, so that’s not a good choice. I’d suggest simply, if you can’t do it in front of your partner (open relationships aside), it’s cheating. But as with everything in life, every relationship is different and your results may be different.

    Good luck to everyone.

  4. GelatoDating Says:

    As someone with a long history of male friends, I am probably biased, but I do think men and women can be just friends.

    That said.

    Most times they are not. Usually there is a little unrequited attraction on one or both sides.

    There is little though that you can do as the “lover” to ensure your mate doesn’t run off with one of their friends. Its all them. Besides who is to say that your mate with all same sex friends won’t wake up one day and run off with one of them.

    Its all about trust. I’ve dated men with women friends and its usually not a problem, but there are times where you just know that friend has a different agenda. So you either trust your partner or you don’t. If you don’t trust them, you need to ask yourself why?

    Are they keeping you separate from their friends? Are they flirting with them? Do they not take your side or stand up for you? Do they have private jokes from way back when and don’t explain them to you? Do they get obviously upset anytime their friend has a date?

    When it comes to relationships, being open and honest is always the best way. As for me and my male friends, there’s a couple that I might date but they’re not my best friends. My mindset just adheres itself better to male thought patterns, so other than a couple females, most of my good friends are men. These are people that I trust and admire for their own assests (personality, viewpoint, brain) but have been ruled out as anything more than a friend for very very good reasons.

    I wouldn’t write off every girl with lots of male friends, but its always a good idea to use caution.

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